There is a table in this room and it is completely destroying my life.

…um, you may need some context for that.

Driving Home for Christmas

It’s Yuletide. This time of year means different things to different people; to me it means getting to see my family (who are, outside of the holidays, scattered across the globe). It’s wonderful if slightly stressful to all be back under one roof again. However, there is something… supernatural about my father’s house.

The furnishings and ornaments are arranged in such a demonic way as to summon certain ghosts, by way of deadly sacred geometry. These spirits seek nothing less than to sedate you and lock you up with invisible chains so that you can’t move.

Christ, what the hell am I talking about?

Back to the Table

These items of occult furniture include a coffee table. Coffee tables are, you may be aware, wonderfully useful devices that when coupled with a comfortable sofa aide and abet many fulfilling activities:

  • Doodling
  • Sewing
  • Gaming
  • Crosswording
  • Blogging about tables
  • And much, much more!

The coffee table is an easy-access surface. Moreover, it’s a handy workstation. A perfect easel for anyone who wants to shed their mortal form and become a relaxed, shapeless fluid of creativity.


Except when you have it placed five feet away from the sofa. An empty lifeboat adrift in the middle of a torrential river. Now the table is no longer a utility but an ornament, to be kept free of clutter and nonsense. No books, pencils, tools, nor any way to reach it from the comfort zone of your seat. Maybe not so damaging on its own, but combined with other unfortunately placed artefacts it can have the power to paralyse you.

Centres of Gravity

Where else can you stick a table? Well, the kitchen for one. The natural social hub of any communal living space (everyone has to eat you know). I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the party always ends up in there. Kitchens with tables can transform into meeting rooms, games parlours, crafts factories, all kinds of things. Without a table it is… well, just a kitchen.

So there you go, a table is nothing but another kind of everyday magic; a powerful force, for good or for evil.

Feng Shui for Unbelievers

Some people seem to be offended by the idea that things arranged can affect more than a space’s aesthetics and ergonomics; they seem to associate it with eastern mysticism or fluffy fairy power. But when you inspect it you find it really has its roots in common sense, and when you experiment you realise how much difference to your mood an object’s position can make.

Not that it’s all completely obvious; I still haven’t figured out how putting the desk next to the door as opposed to in front of the window increases my focus tenfold, but somehow it does.

A Modern Question

So next time you are splayed out on the sofa staring at the ceiling asking the world “Why am I such a slug?”, stop it and instead ask this:

Where the hell is my table?